Wow what a story! I don't often read a whole piece of this length, but I read every word. Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly; courage is beautiful and so this is a beautiful story, despite the pain and rawness within it x
Thank you Lucy. Honestly, hearing that I have drawn people in to read the whole of this piece (by far the longest I have published here) means so much to me. I really appreciate your kind words.
It's beautiful, what you've created. Changes in the garden make changes in us. Each season there is more to learn and our skills grow and I think it spreads to other areas of our lives. Working in the earth and with the plants has been very healing over the years for me. It's been very gentle and kind--restorative when life has dealt me my most serious wounds. I am hopeful you will make great connections with your garden community. Like you, it is hard for me to ask for help. Reaching out once makes the next time easier.
Thank you for your lovely comment, Lyndsey, and for your encouragement. I'm glad you have also found gardening to be a restorative activity when life has been hard.
This made me experience a range of emotions, none of which are helpful for you to know or worry about. Suffice as to say, this article in itself represents so many things you have, and are, endeavouring to achieve. Your allotment is stupendous, the community group sounds marvellous and well done for reaching out to them.
I also find asking for help a struggle, I am also diagnosed with similar issues and some days the covers to lift and face the day are leadend.
Emma, never ever forget, you are an extraordinary and wonderful human being.
We need to have a coffee and biscuit interlude, soon!
I think we see the same rheumatologist, which made me shout out loud while sitting in the hairdresser's.
Louise, I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with similar issues. It sucks so much, doesn't it?! I hear you over the leadened feelings. These last few days I've felt so HEAVY. It is an effort to move. Grrrr to unhelpful rheumatologists.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them. And yes, coffee and biscuits soon!
Emma, thank you so much for this piece. I felt so many different emotions reading it - anger & outrage at the arrogant, ignorant attitude of that dreadful-sounding rheumatologist, pleasure & gratitiude for the kindness of the allotment volunteers, your dad and original GP, profound care & admiration for you amid all that you've been through. And also delight at the photos - you've created something beautiful, tangible & real there with your own hands and heart even if it's not looking at it's 'best 'right now (inverted commas just cos aesthetic judgment really doesn't sound like a pressure you need to place on yourself). Good luck - and I'm glad you shared this space and all the experiences it embodies with us 😍
Thank you Vicki. I actually do (despite my anger) have compassion for this rheumatologist. She is working within a medical system that is racist, classist and misogynistic. She didn't cause that. It is insidious and hard to root these prejudices out. I'm currently reading Unwell Women, by Elinor Cleghorn, and I really hope that by writing down some of my experiences I can be a part of 'women...sharing their experiences of being pushed to the margins of medicine by their elusive illnesses', as EC writes in her introduction. There is power in us telling our stories, I think. This is one of the reasons why I am excited about your next project!
And thank you so much for saying that you found my photos delightful! This is helping me see them from another perspective. That I DID create something beautiful and tangible with my own hands. I need to remember to value that!
Yes and yes! You really did create something magical and it’s absolutely worth valuing. And YES to women telling their own stories (and that book sounds excellent). Also great that you can see the bigger picture and be compassionate towards the rheumatologist- you’re right that so much is systemic and bigger than the individuals.
I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed with trying to move forward on different fronts all at once (the chronic health doc, writing on Substack, setting up a website and other stuff for the new business I keep talking about but not actually starting…) But looking at your allotment pics and reading about your prioritisation of being outside for your wellbeing is a good reminder of what’s really important. I’ve definitely come back from the Isle of Wight feeling a bit lighter after beach trips and bike rides 😊
Thank you. And, from what I've heard of it and read so far, I think you would find Elinor Cleghorn's book interesting and valuable.
I'm sorry you have been feeling overwhelmed recently, and apologies if my enthusiasm for your chronic health documentary added to that feeling. I certainly recognise that feeling of overwhelm - having lots of projects that you want to work on.
As irritating as he is, and I am sure that his advice needs tweaking for middle-aged/chronically ill/neurodiverse women (I'm just not sure how, yet), I think Cal Newport's advice over 'Slow Productivity' and working on one thing at a time is solid advice. I'm trying (and not yet succeeding) to implement that. So not working on just one project until that project is totally finished, but work on one part of a project, complete THAT, then move on to the next task. But I haven't got the hang of this yet. I'll report back if/when I do! Or if I decide it is actually not possible for me (I honestly don't believe that).
I really identify with you on the allotment thing! i'm now 65 and started gardening when I was 10, having my first allotment when I was at college at about 20. over the years I have had a few and none of them ever was up to scratch. I think because I had to go there and make a conscious effort to 'do' gardening, rather than just popping out and pulling up a weed on the way to the bins at home, was why it never worked. i'm lucky enough now to have a big plot where we live in France, and like you I do the no dig method, with paper carrier bags and cardboard boxes under horse manure. one bed this year has been completely covered up with cardboard as I have had a new knee put in so i'm not my usual sprightly self! i'm loving your newsletter - I usually unsubscribe from them because my inbox overwhelms me (ADHD, cPTSD, etc etc) but yours is like a lovely present when it arrives!
Thank you for your lovely comment! I’m so glad you are enjoying my newsletter. That means a lot to me. 💕
I’d love to hear more about your gardening in France. Hooray for the ‘no dig’ method!
I completely agree that it is harder to work on an allotment, because you have to get up and GO there, rather than just being able to do short bursts and potter around. I wonder if that is something that is extra hard for those of us with ADHD? The transition from being at home to working at the allotment is a big one. That is why I just try to tell myself I only have to GO there everyday, not go AND do work! lol
Emma, you have come so far, even to set this up is a great achievement! I remember when you were on holiday here and had to be helped to walk some days! So stay as strong as possible and it’s onwards and upwards! xx
Thank you for reading and subscribing, Auntie Stella! And thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it so much. I was so unwell, wasn't I, when I visited you? I had years of doing much better, physically, but got ill again after William died. Onwards and upwards indeed! I keep trying...!
What incredibly tough things to go through. The grief of losing a child is enormous - so sorry - and the health issues on top. Your allotment looks amazing, Emma. I appreciate it might be a step away from how it was last year, but honestly, a lot more organised and productive-looking than my garden!
Thank you for your kind words, Wendy. I often feel so frustrated with myself that I haven’t achieved more in life, but I try to remember that I’ve been dealing with a heck of a lot of other shit.
And thank you for your encouraging words about my allotment. I don’t think the pictures do justice to what a mess it is! But I am hoping that I will be able to post some photos showing progress over the autumn…
Wow what a story! I don't often read a whole piece of this length, but I read every word. Thank you for sharing your story so openly and honestly; courage is beautiful and so this is a beautiful story, despite the pain and rawness within it x
Thank you Lucy. Honestly, hearing that I have drawn people in to read the whole of this piece (by far the longest I have published here) means so much to me. I really appreciate your kind words.
This has moved me so much. I see your courage. It's as big as the sky xxx
Okay, stop making me cry!! (Also, thank you so much! I really appreciate your kind words, and the restack.)
It's beautiful, what you've created. Changes in the garden make changes in us. Each season there is more to learn and our skills grow and I think it spreads to other areas of our lives. Working in the earth and with the plants has been very healing over the years for me. It's been very gentle and kind--restorative when life has dealt me my most serious wounds. I am hopeful you will make great connections with your garden community. Like you, it is hard for me to ask for help. Reaching out once makes the next time easier.
Thank you for your lovely comment, Lyndsey, and for your encouragement. I'm glad you have also found gardening to be a restorative activity when life has been hard.
This made me experience a range of emotions, none of which are helpful for you to know or worry about. Suffice as to say, this article in itself represents so many things you have, and are, endeavouring to achieve. Your allotment is stupendous, the community group sounds marvellous and well done for reaching out to them.
I also find asking for help a struggle, I am also diagnosed with similar issues and some days the covers to lift and face the day are leadend.
Emma, never ever forget, you are an extraordinary and wonderful human being.
We need to have a coffee and biscuit interlude, soon!
I think we see the same rheumatologist, which made me shout out loud while sitting in the hairdresser's.
Louise, I'm so sorry to hear that you are struggling with similar issues. It sucks so much, doesn't it?! I hear you over the leadened feelings. These last few days I've felt so HEAVY. It is an effort to move. Grrrr to unhelpful rheumatologists.
Thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate them. And yes, coffee and biscuits soon!
Emma, thank you so much for this piece. I felt so many different emotions reading it - anger & outrage at the arrogant, ignorant attitude of that dreadful-sounding rheumatologist, pleasure & gratitiude for the kindness of the allotment volunteers, your dad and original GP, profound care & admiration for you amid all that you've been through. And also delight at the photos - you've created something beautiful, tangible & real there with your own hands and heart even if it's not looking at it's 'best 'right now (inverted commas just cos aesthetic judgment really doesn't sound like a pressure you need to place on yourself). Good luck - and I'm glad you shared this space and all the experiences it embodies with us 😍
Thank you Vicki. I actually do (despite my anger) have compassion for this rheumatologist. She is working within a medical system that is racist, classist and misogynistic. She didn't cause that. It is insidious and hard to root these prejudices out. I'm currently reading Unwell Women, by Elinor Cleghorn, and I really hope that by writing down some of my experiences I can be a part of 'women...sharing their experiences of being pushed to the margins of medicine by their elusive illnesses', as EC writes in her introduction. There is power in us telling our stories, I think. This is one of the reasons why I am excited about your next project!
And thank you so much for saying that you found my photos delightful! This is helping me see them from another perspective. That I DID create something beautiful and tangible with my own hands. I need to remember to value that!
Yes and yes! You really did create something magical and it’s absolutely worth valuing. And YES to women telling their own stories (and that book sounds excellent). Also great that you can see the bigger picture and be compassionate towards the rheumatologist- you’re right that so much is systemic and bigger than the individuals.
I’ve been feeling a bit overwhelmed with trying to move forward on different fronts all at once (the chronic health doc, writing on Substack, setting up a website and other stuff for the new business I keep talking about but not actually starting…) But looking at your allotment pics and reading about your prioritisation of being outside for your wellbeing is a good reminder of what’s really important. I’ve definitely come back from the Isle of Wight feeling a bit lighter after beach trips and bike rides 😊
Thank you. And, from what I've heard of it and read so far, I think you would find Elinor Cleghorn's book interesting and valuable.
I'm sorry you have been feeling overwhelmed recently, and apologies if my enthusiasm for your chronic health documentary added to that feeling. I certainly recognise that feeling of overwhelm - having lots of projects that you want to work on.
As irritating as he is, and I am sure that his advice needs tweaking for middle-aged/chronically ill/neurodiverse women (I'm just not sure how, yet), I think Cal Newport's advice over 'Slow Productivity' and working on one thing at a time is solid advice. I'm trying (and not yet succeeding) to implement that. So not working on just one project until that project is totally finished, but work on one part of a project, complete THAT, then move on to the next task. But I haven't got the hang of this yet. I'll report back if/when I do! Or if I decide it is actually not possible for me (I honestly don't believe that).
I really identify with you on the allotment thing! i'm now 65 and started gardening when I was 10, having my first allotment when I was at college at about 20. over the years I have had a few and none of them ever was up to scratch. I think because I had to go there and make a conscious effort to 'do' gardening, rather than just popping out and pulling up a weed on the way to the bins at home, was why it never worked. i'm lucky enough now to have a big plot where we live in France, and like you I do the no dig method, with paper carrier bags and cardboard boxes under horse manure. one bed this year has been completely covered up with cardboard as I have had a new knee put in so i'm not my usual sprightly self! i'm loving your newsletter - I usually unsubscribe from them because my inbox overwhelms me (ADHD, cPTSD, etc etc) but yours is like a lovely present when it arrives!
Thank you for your lovely comment! I’m so glad you are enjoying my newsletter. That means a lot to me. 💕
I’d love to hear more about your gardening in France. Hooray for the ‘no dig’ method!
I completely agree that it is harder to work on an allotment, because you have to get up and GO there, rather than just being able to do short bursts and potter around. I wonder if that is something that is extra hard for those of us with ADHD? The transition from being at home to working at the allotment is a big one. That is why I just try to tell myself I only have to GO there everyday, not go AND do work! lol
Emma, you have come so far, even to set this up is a great achievement! I remember when you were on holiday here and had to be helped to walk some days! So stay as strong as possible and it’s onwards and upwards! xx
Thank you for reading and subscribing, Auntie Stella! And thank you for your kind words. I really appreciate it so much. I was so unwell, wasn't I, when I visited you? I had years of doing much better, physically, but got ill again after William died. Onwards and upwards indeed! I keep trying...!
What incredibly tough things to go through. The grief of losing a child is enormous - so sorry - and the health issues on top. Your allotment looks amazing, Emma. I appreciate it might be a step away from how it was last year, but honestly, a lot more organised and productive-looking than my garden!
Thank you for your kind words, Wendy. I often feel so frustrated with myself that I haven’t achieved more in life, but I try to remember that I’ve been dealing with a heck of a lot of other shit.
And thank you for your encouraging words about my allotment. I don’t think the pictures do justice to what a mess it is! But I am hoping that I will be able to post some photos showing progress over the autumn…
It also reminded me of the Dr telling you to go horse riding when your ME was bad, you couldn't walk a few steps without help
Yep. It was exactly like that, honestly.
Made me cry, you have inherited my inability to ask for help xx
I’m sorry. I don’t want to make people cry…