As another audhd person to another - big hugs. I don’t know if it ever really gets easier for us, even when we have diagnosis or self diagnosis. Watching women in my life cope with perimenopause & menopause fills me with dread honestly - being even more at odds with my body and brain. But one thing I’ve noticed about neurodivergent people is that we have an immense resilience & capacity to cope in the long run (even if it looks like failure from an outsider’s perspective at the time). However we have to cope, we do it, because we’re kind of a baptised with a lifetime of coping, despite everything. I’m sorry that it sucks right now, and it will suck for a bit. Give yourself all the grace to be messy and rubbish at everything, if resting is not an option!
Thank you Beth. I would definitely recommend learning about perimenopause and menopause in advance. I'm kicking myself that I didn't know to learn about it in my 30s. Forewarned is forearmed, and all that.
I think, right now, the ADHD medication shortage is what is hitting me the hardest. I'm trying an immediate release methylphenidate, instead of my usual extended release, and wow, the drop off between doses is brutal!
lol Messy and rubbish at everything is my default! Maybe one day I will come to terms with this... 😅
Oh my...this is a real struggle. I know this one, though some parts of my experience are different. I have seen a lot of posts lately about women trying to explain what their perimenopause and menopause is doing. I could write a book about this and I keep thinking about it. We lack the social support that I think helped women know what to expect. Most of our mothers were given early hysterectomies. I can't imagine. They can't advise us or remind us or help us go through that decade of physical change, if they are still here. It would be helpful if we could re-establish that natural line of knowledge. I understand the physical and mental struggle. I gutted it out to my own detriment, but I can tell anyone what I experienced and how I dealt with it at the time. I've recently gotten some help from a doctor as the exhaustion was ridiculous and my life requires physical energy. My brain was tired. I couldn't write. It was not a good way to live. All that to say, if someone needs some coping tips, some expectations shaped, I'm here. Simplify in every way you can. It could take awhile. This is an interesting time because the struggle pushes you into the stage of life that is free from that younger self's self-flagellation over the stupid stuff. For real. That, coupled with that soothing slide into social invisibility is a load off. ;) Strange, but true.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Lyndsey. It really is so hard, isn’t it?! HRT is helping me, but I think I need something more… I think you are right about simplifying in every way possible. I’m trying, but yeah, it’s taking longer than I would like! 😅
It’s a different kind of life challenge, for sure. I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but you might be contending with adrenal fatigue, too. Elevated cortisol levels for years can wear us out. I don’t know how long it takes for our bodies to balance out again. I’m waiting.
I think my medical friends will sigh, but I totally agree with you about the adrenal fatigue. I think it is improving, but I’m sure that it has been a factor…
Your post is rich with contrast. The highs and lows -- funny and raw. I've had some parallel struggles and can relate. I hesitate to comment on your request for "practical tips" since I was not assigned female at birth and do not know what it is like to carry that extra load of perimenopause. I can't imagine adding that layer to this. I also don't believe I have many ADHD traits. I just don't know. Just autistic, as far as I know. Of course, everyone is different and my insights my turn into my gravest errors....
With the admission and disclaimer out if the way, if you're still reading here Is a smile :).
For me, after I found out I am autistic and after a lot of reading, trial and error, I have found that when I am finding something challenging repeatedly I need to make an accommodation for myself. I consider small accommodations. However, in light of my autism identification, I second guess small accommodations and dedicate some time reflecting on how big of an accommodation I really need to make. Before identification, I would always identify the smallest change that MIGHT TECHNICALLY make the situation different next time and try that. Very scientific. When it came to technical problems that was a win. With people and social situations when you are largely interacting with people who are not neurodivergent or don't know they are, that was for me a recipe for failure. From the outside I think it looks like autistic perseveration. Perseverance? Yes. Technically a different approach? Yes. But, false hope born from misunderstanding the situation? Yes as well. I had to know HOW different I am to have confidence to make bigger changes from neurotypical expectations. That was me.
Now I think of bigger changes -- accommodations. Maybe I need to cut out a class of challenging interactions? Maybe some special interest I believed was core to my identity isn't really what I thought it was. Many times I have found some one of my special interests that fulfilled some requirement of my mask. Growing my career, and shrinking my career to complete the final 6 years of my neurodivergent kids education (pre-COVID) left me with A LOT of different masks, or variations at least. A lot of things I thought were MY interests were really part of the show I put on for some old mask, or other.
In short, I have been identifying things I need to just stop doing to slowly decrease my time spent in burnout. Sometimes they're big like going 1/2 time at work and selling my car to buy goats. Sometimes they're smaller like asking to do only "head-down," "behind the scenes" work for my job in the remaining 1/2 time position. Sometimes, they're smaller yet, like accepting that I need an hour in the morning to be ready for doing anything creative or social and not telling myself I must be more productive. No silly mask is going to tell me what to do!
The challenges are not over for me by any stretch, but they are feeling more approachable and I have had some wins which are a big boost for my confidence and clarity of purpose.
I am glad to hear you have some support. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for your reply, and for sharing some of your story and experiences with me. I think your suggestions of accepting that you need certain things to thrive, slowly unmasking, and using trial and error (in big and small ways!) to tackle things you have noticed are repeated challenges are all great suggestions. These are all things I can try! Thank you for taking the time to share them with me.
I feel this so much. It is incredibly brave to be honest about how hard everything is. I feel the same. I don't think most people find it this hard because I don't think that most neurotypical people are dealing with as much inner turmoil from neurodivergency before you add in illness and trauma, and add to that perimenopause and we are a very select group (a lot of us seem to be on Substack!) I am ever the optimist that once menopause has settled we will emerge as our glorious butterfly selves xx
I am honestly optimistic about it too! Yes, let’s all cocoon ourselves (however that looks for each of us) until this shitshow of hormones is over, and then we can emerge strong and beautiful, understanding our brains and nervous systems better.
Oh Jen, I promise my post wasn’t asking for help! I think I am simply trying to stop pretending to everyone (including myself) that ‘I’m fiiiiine!!’ I think it is good to be more honest about the fact that I am struggling.
But E and I eat, even if it isn’t as healthy or as varied as it could be. And things aren’t so messy and grubby that it is unhygienic or dangerous, even if I would prefer clean and tidy. It is a good lesson in self-compassion for me! 😉
As another audhd person to another - big hugs. I don’t know if it ever really gets easier for us, even when we have diagnosis or self diagnosis. Watching women in my life cope with perimenopause & menopause fills me with dread honestly - being even more at odds with my body and brain. But one thing I’ve noticed about neurodivergent people is that we have an immense resilience & capacity to cope in the long run (even if it looks like failure from an outsider’s perspective at the time). However we have to cope, we do it, because we’re kind of a baptised with a lifetime of coping, despite everything. I’m sorry that it sucks right now, and it will suck for a bit. Give yourself all the grace to be messy and rubbish at everything, if resting is not an option!
Thank you Beth. I would definitely recommend learning about perimenopause and menopause in advance. I'm kicking myself that I didn't know to learn about it in my 30s. Forewarned is forearmed, and all that.
I think, right now, the ADHD medication shortage is what is hitting me the hardest. I'm trying an immediate release methylphenidate, instead of my usual extended release, and wow, the drop off between doses is brutal!
lol Messy and rubbish at everything is my default! Maybe one day I will come to terms with this... 😅
Oh my...this is a real struggle. I know this one, though some parts of my experience are different. I have seen a lot of posts lately about women trying to explain what their perimenopause and menopause is doing. I could write a book about this and I keep thinking about it. We lack the social support that I think helped women know what to expect. Most of our mothers were given early hysterectomies. I can't imagine. They can't advise us or remind us or help us go through that decade of physical change, if they are still here. It would be helpful if we could re-establish that natural line of knowledge. I understand the physical and mental struggle. I gutted it out to my own detriment, but I can tell anyone what I experienced and how I dealt with it at the time. I've recently gotten some help from a doctor as the exhaustion was ridiculous and my life requires physical energy. My brain was tired. I couldn't write. It was not a good way to live. All that to say, if someone needs some coping tips, some expectations shaped, I'm here. Simplify in every way you can. It could take awhile. This is an interesting time because the struggle pushes you into the stage of life that is free from that younger self's self-flagellation over the stupid stuff. For real. That, coupled with that soothing slide into social invisibility is a load off. ;) Strange, but true.
Thank you for reading and commenting, Lyndsey. It really is so hard, isn’t it?! HRT is helping me, but I think I need something more… I think you are right about simplifying in every way possible. I’m trying, but yeah, it’s taking longer than I would like! 😅
It’s a different kind of life challenge, for sure. I’m not a doctor, nor do I play one on TV, but you might be contending with adrenal fatigue, too. Elevated cortisol levels for years can wear us out. I don’t know how long it takes for our bodies to balance out again. I’m waiting.
I think my medical friends will sigh, but I totally agree with you about the adrenal fatigue. I think it is improving, but I’m sure that it has been a factor…
I hope you feel better soon. Be gentle with yourself.
Your post is rich with contrast. The highs and lows -- funny and raw. I've had some parallel struggles and can relate. I hesitate to comment on your request for "practical tips" since I was not assigned female at birth and do not know what it is like to carry that extra load of perimenopause. I can't imagine adding that layer to this. I also don't believe I have many ADHD traits. I just don't know. Just autistic, as far as I know. Of course, everyone is different and my insights my turn into my gravest errors....
With the admission and disclaimer out if the way, if you're still reading here Is a smile :).
For me, after I found out I am autistic and after a lot of reading, trial and error, I have found that when I am finding something challenging repeatedly I need to make an accommodation for myself. I consider small accommodations. However, in light of my autism identification, I second guess small accommodations and dedicate some time reflecting on how big of an accommodation I really need to make. Before identification, I would always identify the smallest change that MIGHT TECHNICALLY make the situation different next time and try that. Very scientific. When it came to technical problems that was a win. With people and social situations when you are largely interacting with people who are not neurodivergent or don't know they are, that was for me a recipe for failure. From the outside I think it looks like autistic perseveration. Perseverance? Yes. Technically a different approach? Yes. But, false hope born from misunderstanding the situation? Yes as well. I had to know HOW different I am to have confidence to make bigger changes from neurotypical expectations. That was me.
Now I think of bigger changes -- accommodations. Maybe I need to cut out a class of challenging interactions? Maybe some special interest I believed was core to my identity isn't really what I thought it was. Many times I have found some one of my special interests that fulfilled some requirement of my mask. Growing my career, and shrinking my career to complete the final 6 years of my neurodivergent kids education (pre-COVID) left me with A LOT of different masks, or variations at least. A lot of things I thought were MY interests were really part of the show I put on for some old mask, or other.
In short, I have been identifying things I need to just stop doing to slowly decrease my time spent in burnout. Sometimes they're big like going 1/2 time at work and selling my car to buy goats. Sometimes they're smaller like asking to do only "head-down," "behind the scenes" work for my job in the remaining 1/2 time position. Sometimes, they're smaller yet, like accepting that I need an hour in the morning to be ready for doing anything creative or social and not telling myself I must be more productive. No silly mask is going to tell me what to do!
The challenges are not over for me by any stretch, but they are feeling more approachable and I have had some wins which are a big boost for my confidence and clarity of purpose.
I am glad to hear you have some support. Thank you for sharing.
Thank you so much for your reply, and for sharing some of your story and experiences with me. I think your suggestions of accepting that you need certain things to thrive, slowly unmasking, and using trial and error (in big and small ways!) to tackle things you have noticed are repeated challenges are all great suggestions. These are all things I can try! Thank you for taking the time to share them with me.
I love "selling my car to buy goats"! this is just the sort of thing I do (note to self, do not start to fixate on goats)...
I loved that line so much too!
True story, all of it, playing out now. You commenting just made me realize "How far I've... Come (or gone?)" This is funny and eye opening.
I feel this so much. It is incredibly brave to be honest about how hard everything is. I feel the same. I don't think most people find it this hard because I don't think that most neurotypical people are dealing with as much inner turmoil from neurodivergency before you add in illness and trauma, and add to that perimenopause and we are a very select group (a lot of us seem to be on Substack!) I am ever the optimist that once menopause has settled we will emerge as our glorious butterfly selves xx
I am honestly optimistic about it too! Yes, let’s all cocoon ourselves (however that looks for each of us) until this shitshow of hormones is over, and then we can emerge strong and beautiful, understanding our brains and nervous systems better.
Oh Emma. Sorry everything is such a struggle at the moment. Wish we could help but are Lucy’s most of the time. Sending you all our love ❤️ xx
Oh Jen, I promise my post wasn’t asking for help! I think I am simply trying to stop pretending to everyone (including myself) that ‘I’m fiiiiine!!’ I think it is good to be more honest about the fact that I am struggling.
But E and I eat, even if it isn’t as healthy or as varied as it could be. And things aren’t so messy and grubby that it is unhygienic or dangerous, even if I would prefer clean and tidy. It is a good lesson in self-compassion for me! 😉