[BEST OF WS] Fortified by comfort
When you think you’ve had too much of this life to hang on... Hold on
Hello everyone. I’m taking a break for a little while as my physical and mental health have been especially bad in recent weeks. This time of year, with the anniversary of my son’s death in April, is always a hard time, but right now everything feels harder than ever – the shifting international political situation, worries about my friends in the USA, and the terrible betrayal of some of the poorest and most vulnerable people by the Labour Government in the UK. All of this has taken a heavy toll on me.
I hope you will forgive me for sending out a series of newsletters which are a compilation of those I consider my best ones from the last year. I am spending the coming weeks writing and studying with the pressure taken off, so I hope I will have plenty of new material to share with you later in the spring.
[This essay was first published on 1st June 2024.]
Hello everyone! Three in a row….
I have so many things I want to write about. Everything is either tangled up in my head or written in dozens of notebooks, in Word documents and in Scrivener projects. This week I am drawing out one thread from this snarl of thoughts, something that has been on my mind for a while: comfort.
There is a reason why the hurt/comfort trope is so popular with fanfic and genre writers. Like the R.E.M. song says ‘Everybody hurts’.1 Editor Kate Marope describes hurt/comfort stories as being about ‘the reciprocal nature of hurt and comfort, neglect and nurture, and weakness and strength.’2 And because we all experience hurt and neglect (often from ourselves) we all need nurture and comfort. The R.E.M. song tells us, rightly, to ‘take comfort in your friends.’
But what do we do when we are alone, or lonely? We turn to (creature) comforts. The OED describes these as things that are distinct both from necessities and from luxuries.3 The necessities of food, drink and shelter are vital for our bodies; comfort is vital for our hearts and souls. The dictionary also reminds us that the root of the word comfort is from the Latin fortis (via Old French) meaning strong.4 When we have been beaten down by life, allowing ourselves to be comforted, turning to comfort foods and comfort reads, getting into our comfies, these things restore us and strengthen us (hopefully) to get back out there (probably for another pummelling, let’s be honest).
I sometimes wonder if others think about comfort as consciously as I do? I have been aware for a while of my constant comfort seeking. One of my earliest memories is curling up in a baby bath lined with a sheepskin rug. The feeling of containment and of the wool against my cheek was so soothing and comforting.
Now that I can no longer squeeze myself into a plastic baby bath (this is a tragedy!) I have to content myself with numerous cushions, pillows and blankets, fairy lights and lamps, and comfort food and drink. For me, this latter is usually coffee and biscuits. Preferably eaten and drunk in bed on a Sunday morning, with a pile of books to read.
Something extra I have added to my life in recent years is a toy rabbit. No, stop sniggering! Not that kind. Something much more innocent, and consequently far weirder for a woman in her late 40s, although the internet tells me I am not alone in secretly owning such an item as an adult.
My Jellycat Bashful Bunny (colour: beige; size: huge) is something I bought just over three years ago now, and it was worth every penny. I never used to know what to do with my arms when I was sleeping - I could never get comfortable. But Rabbit has been just the thing. I don’t have any real emotional connection to it, but perhaps that will develop over time? After all, Teddy (no, I am not good at original names) did teddy bear comfort duties for over a decade before he was relegated to decorative duties in my teen years. Perhaps after a decade or so Rabbit will have that emotional connection for me too?
What Rabbit gives me (along with a useful signal to my ADHD brain of approaching sleep time) is physical comfort - something to wrap my arms around and smush my face into. If you are sad that I don’t currently have a human to do this with, don’t be! I spent many years having to share sleep space with other humans. It’s a mixed bag, frankly. Small children, in particular, make terrible bed fellows (elbow in the eye, anyone?). And other adults are too warm and musty, and less willing than a soft toy to be tossed about as I switch from side to side, forever seeking a new cool spot on the pillow. No, give me Rabbit any day.
I felt worried, starting this newsletter, that it was, frankly, self-indulgent to write about comfort, when there is so much suffering and horror in the world right now. I guess I wanted to write about it because pain and suffering are such an inescapable part of life. I am not for one moment equating any pain I have experienced with that of people in Gaza, or any other part of the world where there is widespread suffering. It is not comparable.
But it is true that everyone will, at some point, experience pain in this world. I know that I frequently get beaten down by life: grief over losing my oldest child, chronic pain and exhaustion, apprehensions about money, loneliness, dismay at wasting my potential, a daily nagging fear that I will lose my other child… In order to face life with courage, I need comfort.
I think I shall end this by telling you some of my creature comforts, comfort foods, comfort reads and comfort films to watch. These aren’t particularly recommendations, as I think what comforts us is so particular. But still, I obviously think these things are all rather wonderful, so check them out anyway!
A Jellycat Bashful Bunny (size: huge)
Woolly socks
An Attic24 crochet blanket
Black coffee
Digestive biscuits, with or without dark chocolate
Freshly baked bread, with butter sliced like it’s cheese
My homemade tarka dhal. I wrote a post that contains the recipe. You can find that here:
Tarka dhal recipe
[Note: there is a link to a basic version of this post, with just the recipe, at the bottom of the page. Hopefully that should be more useful for printing out and following when cooking.]
Rhonda Hetzel’s blog. It is beautiful and soothing, but also fortifying - the best kind of comfort
Piranesi, by Susanna Clarke
A Gentleman in Moscow, by Amor Towles
Any of the Narnia books, by C.S. Lewis
Any of the Anne of Green Gables books, by Lucy Maud Montgomery
Any of the Chalet School books, by Elinor M. Brent-Dyer. Hoorah for Ann Mackie-Hunter and Clarissa Cridland for setting up Girls Gone By Publishers!
Bleak House, by Charles Dickens (both the novel and the BBC adaptation)
Amélie (2001)
(And I know this is weird and just me, but this has been my go-to comfort film for several years now) The Big Short (2015)
So, whatever else you do this weekend, find people and things that bring you comfort. And, especially, something to cuddle. Whether it is a blanket, a teddy, a person, an obliging animal. Something to hold on to, when the days and nights are long.
Hold on.
Emma xx
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Bye for now! Emma
‘Everybody hurts’, R.E.M., 1993
https://theribbonmarker.com/2021/10/22/the-psychology-of-hurtcomfort-romances/amp/
https://www.oed.com/dictionary/comfort_n?tab=etymology&tl=true#8984415
https://www.etymonline.com/word/comfort
I cat sat two naked (sphinx) cats once, and they had little heated beds and while touching them did feel like petting a human arm, all I wanted to do was be a little cat snuggled up in a heated bed.
I cannot vouch for this (but it is a thing I want): a human sized dog bed. Oh how I think I would ADORE this.
I can see you curled up in the bath,wear a white knitted jump and tartan pleated skirt.xx