Hello and welcome to my first ever newsletter!
I don’t know why I haven’t done this before. I remember a discussion, pre-pandemic, with a spiritual director I was seeing, telling her that my ideal life would be one huge “show and tell”, with me doing all the showing and all the telling. Now, anyone who knows me in real life will know that I am prone to exaggeration, and that this is not entirely accurate. I love hearing other people’s stories and ideas. However, sharing my new discoveries is one of my favourite things to do, so you can expect this newsletter to be full of suggestions for books, podcasts and products, as well as my news and some of my thoughts.
Monday evening saw me dashing across Southampton to my writing group, straight after my online therapy session. This group was started at the beginning of the year by a friend of a friend and is my first experience of being in a writing group. I hadn’t managed to attend April’s session (many of you who know me in real life will know how hard Aprils are for me - this year harder than ever - more on that another time), but the homework in March was to start or revive a piece of work as a long-term project. I emailed details of my WiP to L so she could share it with the group, and I was encouraged by their enthusiasm for my “Charity Shop” novel. The characters for this book are so clear to me and have lived in my head for the last few years, and it is time to get them down on paper (screen). Like the Elastica song says: ‘I’ve got a lot of songs [stories] but they’re all in my head’ (Elastica, 1995).
On the subject of how ‘Waking up and getting up has never been easy’ I have (yet another!) new strategy for my mornings. Two new playlists on Spotify, one called ‘Morning Routine’ and one called ‘Breakfast Routine.’ I have lots of strategies and routines to try to manage the executive function difficulties caused by my ADHD (and probable autism, see below). If you are interested subscribe below and there will be posts in the future where I will be giving some glimpses into my attempts to be a vaguely functioning adult human.
Anyway, I am using these playlists because I realised I have such a strong Pavlovian response to my ‘Cleaning Playlist’ (i.e. the Crowded House Greatest Hits album) that I could leverage this to help me get ready for the day, without needing constant prompting (either from another person or from my ‘how to get ready’ list - yes, I really do need this, aged 48…). So far so good. My sister pointed out the first song in my morning routine (Mr. Blue Sky, ELO) is such a commonly played song that, especially if I get dementia when I am older, I could find myself stripping to get ready for a shower when I am out and about. Ah well, this is future E’s (my son) problem!
This morning (Friday) I had a check up with my lovely psychiatrist, Dr M. He has agreed to give me a trial of a top up of Ritalin, to be taken prn, so that I can function a little better in the evenings. I would like to be able to go out occasionally, rather than needing to be in bed by 9pm at the latest because my Concerta has worn off. We also discussed whether having my ADHD treated has exposed some underlying autistic traits, and the answer is ‘very likely.’ I told him my AQ50 score (41) and my scores from a few other psychometric tests (embrace-autism.com) and he agreed that autism was highly probable. We discussed the pros and cons of a formal diagnosis, and agreed that it is something that can wait for now.
As I end this first newsletter I am going to remind myself of why I am doing this. My motivation for making my writing publicly available fluctuates a great deal. In the Huberman Lab podcast (hubermanlab.com) this week, Andrew Huberman interviewed Dr James Hollis, a Jungian psychotherapist. One thing that struck me as important for me this week was Dr Hollis’s assertion that what our children (and those around us more generally) need most from us is for us to live with both courage and integrity. They need us to live our lives as our ‘true selves’, both to model this to them and to give them permission to do the same. I think I have lived with (somewhat fluctuating) courage, but I don’t feel I have been living with real integrity. I don’t mean that I have been purposely deceiving anyone, but I have hidden so many facets of myself from so many people that I cannot say that I have been living an authentic life. That is the true reason for this newsletter. I hope it gives others permission to do the same.
Bye for now!
Emma xx
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Bye for now! Emma
I love how you blend personal reflections with practical tips and a bit of humor. Your honesty about your journey with ADHD and probable autism is refreshing, and it’s clear that you’re committed to living authentically. Also the idea of using playlists as a way to manage routines is brilliant.
Bravo, this is courage and integrity indeed, I look forward to ready your future newsletters!